Plugging Away

As the wedding gets closer (47 days!), I am constantly being shown areas in which I need to improve. I'm not complaining; on the contrary, I'm thankful for these never-ending opportunities to learn, grow, and change. They're just hard. A friend recently asked me what I'm most afraid of (referring to the wedding and marriage), and I immediately replied, "Failing." Not to be super negative or anything, but this really is my greatest fear about marriage because I know it will happen. However, this is where God can be most glorified. I may be afraid of failing because I indeed will, but it pushes me and reminds me that I always have something to work on, and that I will never be done growing. It reminds me that I should never be happy or satisfied with my current state of holiness; I can ALWAYS improve and become a better Christian, woman, and wife. Of course, there will be setbacks; there already have been, but the key is learning from these. It's not about dwelling on the setbacks and failures (as I can have a tendency to do), but it's about looking at what I did wrong, fixing it, and moving on. I just have to keep plugging away.

Lately, I've also been really convicted about how I treat other people. My words to them or about them, and my thoughts toward them have not been kind or joyful. I'm really trying to work on how I relate to people in general too. My thoughts toward them should not be jealous or disrespectful, and my words to them and about them must definitely not be either of these two things. This is especially true for Taylor. He is the most important person in my life, and he should be treated as such. My words to him should be the kindest, most loving, and most respectful words that I say. This has been something that I've been noticing for a while, but it's been especially apparent lately. I tend to be a smidge (or a lot...) uptight or too nit-picky in certain situations, and I just shouldn't be. I don't need to justify it, even if I think I'm right; I just need to get over it.

My biggest project from now until the wedding (except for the wedding itself, of course) and for the rest of my life is to focus on ME and MY heart. I don't need to change or fix anyone else, except me. There is more than enough to work on in my own life =] Some specifics that I want to work on include:

1. Gentleness-This is most definitely not an inherent character trait that I possess, but it is one that I am most earnestly striving for. (1 Peter 3:4) What more could I want than to be "very precious in the sight of God?"
2. Quietness-This goes along with the last one. (1 Peter 3:4) It refers to having a quiet spirit, and I hope to improve this in my behavior-in how I relate to others, and just in how I generally conduct myself.
3. Soft-spoken-Again, tying in with the last one. I really struggle with this one. I am a naturally loud and expressive person by nature (I blame my parents =] ), but in all seriousness, I want to drastically improve this. I want to speak softer words and learn to be seen and not heard so much. When I do speak, I want it to glorify God and I want it to be edifying in every situation. (Ephesians 4:29) Besides, most of the time, no one really needs to hear what I think =] (Proverbs 29:11)
4. Love-Of course I love Taylor, and other people, but I really want my love to keep growing and be displayed in a biblical way...especially when I am just done and feel that I have no more love to give. I need to let God love others through me, and I need to be a much better testimony to others in this way. (John 13:35) It must also be unconditional, period. (1 Corinthians 4:1-8)
5. Respect-This one is huge for me, and it is sometimes where I fail hugely too.This is one of, if not THE most important thing for Taylor, and it is something that I must always work on and improve. And it must also be unconditional. Besides, as a wife, I am commanded by God to do it (among many other things, of course). (1 Peter 3:2, Ephesians 5:33b)
6. Jealousy-This has been a recent conviction, but I'm appalled at how bad I am about it. I have so many things to be thankful for; I'm incredibly blessed. Being jealous is just not godly, and it robs me of so much joy that I could have for others. (Proverbs 27:4)
7. Patience-I could write a book on this one, but let's just say that this is one of my MAJOR weak points for many, many reasons.
8. Letting the little [and sometimes not-so-little] things go-This goes along with patience. I just need to CHILL and not worry so much about things that, in light of eternity, just do not matter. Like whether or not a ball is thrown at my head. (long story, much evidence of my need for greater patience =] )
9. Remember the privilege I will have to serve Taylor-John MacArthur, in his book 12 Extraordinary Women, really opened my eyes to this. I'd never really thought about it, but as a wife, I have an endless opportunity to serve. This is not only my duty, but also my privilege, and I must remember that. The more I remember this, the more joyful and loving I will be. Not much is uglier than bitterness as a result of serving. Serving others is serving God, and this is an honor and a privilege.
10. Remember that the wedding isn't about the wedding; it's about the marriage-A million things could go wrong (and probably will), but It. Does. Not. Matter. It doesn't. I just have to keep reminding myself that =] Our wedding day may be nothing like I envisioned it, but it's not about us. It's about God, it's about our family, and it's my job to focus on everyone else. I think that seems backwards, but I'd really like to avoid being Bridezilla. I want everything to go as smoothly as possible, and if everyone else is happy, then it will. And we have a lot of people there that aren't believers, so I truly hope that God is seen in our wedding and marriage, and I hope that, above all, He is glorified on that day.
11. Everything may go wrong at the wedding, but I still get to marry my best friend and the man God chose for me-Continuing from the last one, the wedding isn't the point. The point is that at the end of the day, Taylor will be my husband, and I will be his wife. Forever.
12. Every challenge, stress, and disappointment is just another opportunity to learn to trust God-No matter how stressed I get and Taylor and I get, God is in control. He is on His throne, and He is sovereign over all. (Psalm 55:22, Matthew 10:29-31)

I'm sure there's much more to work on, but I've only got 47 days left, so this will have to do for now. I'm so excited to see what God teaches me in the days, months, and years to come!